Defeated

We’ve all been there right? So utterly and holistically Defeated. Be it emotionally or physically or mentally, hell sometimes all of them simultaneously. Put your thumb in your mouth if you feel like denying that. Put it deep in there. Get it lodged in and suck on it, because we all inevitable SUCK sometimes.

 

What does that even mean? Well have you ever just dropped whatever it is you’re doing so drenched in effort, and somehow the bright warm radiance of “Fuck it” escapes your breath? That there is Defeat. That moment where everything just sucks. Nothing is even worth it anymore. You go straight into self-destruct mode. You don’t care about the future and you’d sincerely be anywhere but inside your thick heavy chest cavity.

 

When you feel as if you’re stuck in this perpetual black bubble that’s being fed with gasoline while you hold a flaming matchstick. You either hold onto it long enough that it burns into your skin, or you drop it and watch yourself ignite.

 

Scary thought isn’t it? Being trapped in a swirling limbo where nothing makes sense anymore. That feeling of Defeat is painstaking, yet so comforting.

 

I know what you’re thinking at this point. “Why is this kid so damn emo?”

 

Well hear me out. We all need to be defeated. We all need to get into that place of emptiness and take a moment to reflect. Take the time to understand why we’re here. “What the hell brought me to this? How am I drowning when there isn’t even any water around me?”

 

I suppose the realization is the most important part. Knowing that you’ve pushed yourself far enough to arbor your environment and existence. You’re taking the time to say “Hold up… This right here, it sucks. I’m not ok with it, not even once.”

 

This is the exact moment you begin to reflect and recognize the choices that have brought you here. You’ll have to look back at every decision you’ve made that has affected your current situation, and from there you’ll need to understand why it happened.

 

Sometimes that reason is complex and rooted deep within your past. A labyrinth of emotions and thoughts that may be hard for you to face at first. It may be the same reoccurring monster you’ve been subconsciously running from over and over and now it’s time to just turn around and stick your hand out. Embrace the suck of the situation and tackle it with gentle ferocity.

 

It’s also possible that the reason is that you’re stupid and don’t believe in repercussions of your actions and now your mind has caught up with you. Regret and guilt latch onto us humans rather quickly. It can cripple you more than an arrow to the heel. For there is no burden heavier than self pity.

 

Find that feeling of Defeat. Face it head on. Understand the shape and urgency of your monster, and don’t forget that you’re still holding the matchstick. You have brought yourself here for a reason. To reflect and recognize, and once you conquer this you MUST find a new way of doing things.

 

Your options are very narrow if you don’t. You either drop the match or burn your hand… Or, you blow out the flame and pop the bubble? The only savior you should ever need is yourself. The only teachers you’ll ever need are your experiences and choices. The only adversary you’ll ever face is that little voice in your head telling you that you haven’t come very far.

 

Now my point is this. Self-Defeat is a tool of survival. It’s an indicator that you’ve gone too far in the wrong direction. It’s a catalyst for change if you just give it a chance to breathe some air into your lungs.

 

I know this because I have felt defeated many times before. I write about this now because for the last week I have felt utterly defeated. A week ago I ran straight onto the stoep without knowing that my grandmother had polished the tiles thoroughly. At that moment my body soared almost 2 meters into the air. There I was floating in slow motion awaiting my inevitable drop to reality. In that moment I became a blitzkrieg ready to fall, and when I collided with the cold hard tiles I felt nothing but numb.

 

“Fuck it.”

 

This is where the realization came in. the comedown was a gentle violence. I needed to change something. It wasn’t the fall that broke me, but rather everything that was pent up for weeks on end. I’m comfortably cynical by nature, so being too positive all the time is still new to me. I knew something was off. I needed this defeated moment to sit back and open up my lungs. I needed this time to reflect and see what it is that has brought me to what I’ve become. The fall was the catalyst.

Now I sit here, having reflected for a week on what it is that I need to change very soon before the matchstick burns more than just my fingertips.

It is now that the perpetual burn of Defeat runs through me. Only I can learn from my own losses. It’s my body’s way of telling me that something is off.

 

So that’s what I did. I took some time that night to feel broken and lost and backtrack the mental steps in my mind. Now all I can see is every wrong decision and how I’ll have to grow from them. Repeating them has no additive positive impact on me. This is the beauty of the fall.

 

My advice?

 

Embrace the suck. Understand why you feel so defeated and get the hell out of that toxic environment. Don’t ever disregard it. Keep your eyes on the serpent ahead of you, and interpret it’s blessing in disguise. If ever you feel completely and utterly defeated, learn from it. No one ever feels defeated for no reason. Keep your head up. Keep your serpent in sight.

 

Keep Chasing Dragons, Souro.

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